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This is a laundry list of things that Gambit has "learned" not to do from his time as an X-Man. Some of these are not original--some of them are old jokes usually based on Army life, which I thought was probably a pretty close parallel to living under the command of Cyclops. In any event, it seems to me that Remy would likely be the kind of guy who would go out of his way to break rules that didn't even exist, so this is the result of years of his hard work.
"What I've Learned From the X-Men," by Gambit
Mac O'Roni
1. Just because the UN allowed Magneto to colonize his own sovereign island nation does not give me the right to do
the same.
2. Cannonball’s real name is Sam. Not “Opie.”
3. I am not authorized to declare martial law anywhere, at any time.
4. I am not allowed to watch South Park when I’m supposed to be monitoring security.
5. My proper codename is “Gambit,” not “Princess Anastasia.”
6. I am not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic.
7. I am not allowed to challenge anyone’s disbelief of black magic by asking for hair.
8. I am not allowed to get silicone breast implants.
9. I am not allowed to play Pulp Fiction with a suction-cup dart pistol and Bishop’s forehead.
10. I am not allowed to add “In accordance with the Prophesy” to answers I give to questions asked me by my
teammates.
11. I am not allowed to add pictures of teammates I don’t like to Mutant Criminal posters.
12. I am not allowed to counsel any students to “Get over it.”
13. I am not allowed to purchase anyone’s soul while on duty.
14. I am not allowed to join the Friends Of Humanity.
15. I am not allowed to join any militia.
16. I am not allowed to form any militia.
17. I am not allowed out of my room when the President visits the school.
18. I am not allowed to train adopted stray dogs to “Sic Cyke!”
19. I must get a haircut occasionally, even if it interferes with my “Sampson-like powers.”
20. God may not contradict any orders given to me by my chain of command.
21. I am no longer allowed to perform my now infamous “Barbie Girl Dance” while on duty.
22. I may not call any teammates immoral, untrustworthy, lying slime. Even if I’m right.
23. I must not taunt Wolverine.
24. I must attempt to refrain from antagonizing Cyclops.
25. I must never call Cyclops a “Wanker.”
26. I must never ask any teammates if they have been smoking crack.
27. I must not tell Cyclops that I am smarter than he is. Especially since it’s true.
28. I must never confuse a Russian teammate with a German one.
29. I must refrain from taunting Nightcrawler by shouting, “We kicked your Nazi ass in WWII!”
30. I am not allowed to express fears that Nightcrawler will attempt to invade me through a Belgian.
31. I must not tell Princess Di jokes in front of Psylocke.
32. I am not allowed to steal the batteries out of my teammates’ alarm clocks.
33. Banshee is not after “me frosted Lucky Charms.”
34. I am not allowed to wake Jubilee by repeatedly banging her on the head with a bag of garbage.
35. I am not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions.
36. I am not allowed to let sock puppets take command of my security post.
37. I am not allowed to chew gum on missions, unless I brought enough for everybody.
38. I am not allowed to chew gum on missions, even if I brought enough for everybody.
39. I am not allowed to sing “High Speed Dirt,” by Megadeth, while piloting the Blackbird. (“See the earth below/Soon
to make a crater/Blue sky, black death/I’m off to meet my maker.)
40. I can’t have flashbacks to missions I was never on.
41. Our medic’s name is “Dr. McCoy,” not “Dr. Feelgood.”
42. Scott Summers’s codename is “Cyclops,” not “Cyke,” “Slim,” “Visor-Boy,” “Herr Hess,” or “Sugar Daddy.”
43. I am not allowed to take time off for religious purposes on the basis that the world is going to end, more than once.
44. My super-powers do not include flight.
45. I should not attempt to convince young mutants that their budding super-powers include flight.
46. “Keep on trucking” is not a message of psychological warfare.
47. I am not allowed to attempt to appeal to mankind’s baser instincts in recruitment posters.
48. I am not allowed to print up posters advertising the school’s annual spring Hawaii-fest party as “The one party
where you are guaranteed to get leid.”
49. Marilyn Manson is not appropriate music at a school dance.
50. A grown man should not require his teammates to lock up the caffeine and high-sugar sodas from him.
51. A grown man should be mature enough to recognize why these items are locked away from him, and should not
pick the locks.
52. Body paint does not constitute a uniform, even if it is in my colors.
53. If an earring is heavy enough or large enough to impede the range of motion in my neck, I should assume that I am
not allowed to wear it while on duty.
54. I am not David Attenboro, and have no right to make nature documentaries on the sexual habits of various
teammates.
55. Nipple clamps are not acceptable uniform accessories.
56. I am not the atheist chaplain.
57. I am not allowed to “Go down to Times Square and shake Daddy’s little Money-Maker for twenties stuffed in my
undies.”
58. I am not one of the knights who say “Ni.”
59. None of my teammates are, in fact, “cheeky monkeys.”
60. I am not authorized to fire teammates.
61. I am not a “citizen of Louisiana and those other, lesser forty-nine states.”
62. When circumstances land me in the position of being underneath or on top of another male teammate, I am not
allowed to fake an orgasm.
63. I am not allowed to trade Shi’ar technology for “magic beans.”
64. I am not allowed to sell magic beans on school premises, or while on duty.
65. I am not allowed to quote Dr. Seuss on dangerous missions.
66. I am not allowed to yell, “Take that, Cyclops!” in the Danger Room.
67. I am not allowed to quote Full Metal Jacket in the Danger Room.
68. “The kinetic energy unleashed in a single playing card is strong enough to disintegrate a small child” is not a
motivational phrase.
69. An order to “put Kiwi on those boots” does not involve actual fruit.
70. An order to “make those boots black and shiny” does not involve electrical tape.
71. The proper response to a lawful order is not “Why?”
72. The following words and phrases may not be used in a cadence: “budding sexuality,” “necrophilia,” “I hate
everyone on this team and wish they were dead,” “sexual lubrication,” “black earth mother,” “all mutant soldiers are
latent homosexuals,” “Tantric yoga,” “Gotterdammerung,” “Korean hooker,” “Eskimo Nell,” “We’ve all got
jackboots now,” “slut puppy,” or any references to squid.
73. I may not make posters depicting the leadership failings of my chain of command.
74. “The Giant Space Ants” are not at the top of my chain of command.
75. If one teammate has an L-2 bar on his or her uniform, and I have an E-4 on mine, it means he or she outranks me,
not that “I have been promoted three more times than you.”
76. The adage that it is “better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission” no longer applies to me.
77. Command decisions do not need to be ratified by a 2/3 majority.
78. Inflatable novelties do not entitle me to the same tax breaks as a married man, even if the license does check out
legally.
79. I am not allowed to marry my dog.
80. There are no evil clowns living under my bed.
81. There is no “Anti-Mime” campaign on Genosha.
82. I am not the psychological warfare mascot.
83. I may not line my neck guard with tin foil to “block the space mind-control lasers.”
84. I must not pretend to be a fascist storm-trooper while on duty.
85. I am not authorized to prescribe any form of medication.
86. I must not flaunt my deviancies in front of the students.
87. I am not allowed to wear a “Scream” mask while on duty.
88. No school functions are to be performed in the nude.
89. Clown makeup is not appropriate camouflage, even during Mardi Gras.
90. I am not allowed to conduct psychological experiments on students.
91. “Teddy Bear, Teddy Bear, Turn around,” is not a cadence.
92. The mansion’s security checkpoint is not an Imperial Storm-Trooper roadblock, so I should not tell them that they
“do not need to see my identification. These are not the droids you are looking for.”
93. I may not “call block” my teammates.
94. I am neither the king nor queen of cheese.
95. I am not allowed to wear a dress to any school functions, even if it is within the school guidelines for appropriate
garb.
96. I am not allowed to bring a drag queen to any school functions.
97. I am not allowed to form any press gangs.
98. I am not allowed to start any SITREP (Situation Report) with the phrase, “I recently had an experience I just had to
write to you about.”
99. I must not use official X-Men team vehicles to “squish” things.
100. I am not allowed to make any psychological warfare products featuring the yearbook photographs of any of my
teammates.
101. I am not allowed to challenge any of my teammates to the “field of honor.”
102. If the thought of something makes me giggle for more than fifteen seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed
to do it.
103. I must not refer to Cyclops as “Daddy.”
104. I must not refer to Wolverine as “Mommy.”
105. Inflatable sheep do not need to be displayed during room inspection.
106. I am not authorized to initiate Jihad.
107. When asked to give a few words at a school ceremony, “Romper Bomper Stomper Boo” is probably not
appropriate, nor is “Gentlemen, start your engines.”
108. Nerve gas is not funny.
109. Crucifixes do not ward off Acolytes, and I should not test that.
110. I am not in need of a more suitable host body.
111. Rogue is not a chew toy.
112. Not even if I am teething.
113. I am never to implore Wolverine to “Hit me, baby, one more time.”
114. I am not Tom Servo, and I am not being held captive by a mad scientist who forces me to watch bad movies.
115. The Incredible Spider-Man is not a team training manual.
116. Gozer does not dwell in my refrigerator.
117. The proper response to even a hypothetical chemical weapon attack is not “tell my teammates what I really think
of them and then poke holes in their gas masks.”
118. I am no longer allowed to attend the school Halloween party dressed as Britney Spears.
119. I am to assume that the same goes for Christina Aguilera.
120. Or any member of Destiny’s Child.
121. Or Cher.
122. Or Richard Simmons.
123. A smiley face should not be used on tactical schematics of war-torn areas to denote a minefield.
124. Claymore mines are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell new recruits that they are.
125. I am not allowed to paint teeth on the nosecone of the Blackbird.
126. Rodents are not entitled to burial with full honors, even if they are “casualties of war.”
127. Professor Xavier is not old enough to have fought in the American Civil War, and I should stop implying that he
did.
128. Vodka, green food coloring, and a “Cool Mint” Listerine bottle is not a good combination.
129. I am not allowed to bum cigarettes off of anyone under twelve.
130. I may not trade my bo staff for any of the following while on missions: cigarettes, booze, sexual favors,
Kalashnikov rifles, old Soviet armored vehicles, small children, or bootleg CDs.
131. I must not mock command decisions in front of my teammates.
132. I should not taunt students, even if they are really fat, exceptionally stupid, and in league with the Brotherhood of
Evil Mutants.
133. I am not authorized to change national policy in Eastern Europe.
134. I am never, ever, to attempt to correct Wolverine about anything.
135. I am not qualified to operate any US, German, Polish, or Russian armored vehicles.
136. When saluting an officer of Excalibur, an appropriate greeting is not, “X-Men lead the wa—oh, sorry.”
137. There is absolutely no need to emulate the people from The Full Monty every time I hear the song “Hot Stuff.”
138. I cannot trade Cyclops to Magneto’s Acolytes.
139. I should not speculate on the penis size of any of my male teammates.
140. Crucifying mice is not a good idea.
141. I am not allowed to use school equipment or Cerebro to bootleg pornography.
142. When I am instructed to use my biokinetic powers to burn classified material, I should not consider the burn pits
as my personal revel fires. Ergo, it is not appropriate to dance naked around them.
143. My right to freedom of religion does not extend to human sacrifice.
144. If I truly do feel the need to sacrifice chickens for religious purposes, I am requested by my chain of command to
do so in private, off school grounds.
145. I cannot arrest children for being rude.
146. A team briefing is probably not the best place to unveil my latest off-color joke.
147. I am not allowed to eat Stormy’s ferns.
148. As much as I may seem to be, I am not a cat, and am not permitted to curl up for naps on the X-Women’s laps.
149. Not even if I do purr when they scratch behind my ears.
150. I should not throw sticks and expect Wolverine to chase them.
151. I should not use the art department’s laminate resources to “waterproof” dirty magazines.
152. Radioactive material should not be stored in the dorms.
153. I should not teach teammates to say crude and offensive things in Cajun French under the guise of teaching them
potentially useful phrases.
154. “Two drink limit” does not mean first and last.
155. “Two drink limit” does not mean two kinds of drinks.
156. “Two drink limit” does not mean that the drinks can be as large as I like.
157. “No consumption of alcoholic beverages” does not imply that a Jack Daniel’s IV is acceptable.
158. “Spadoinkle” is not a real word.
159. The Microsoft “Dancing Paperclip” is not authorized to countermand any orders.
160. “I’m drunk” is a bad answer to any question posed by my teammates while on duty.
161. No dancing on the roof at any time. This especially applies in conjunction with rule #137.
162. The school PA system is not a forum to voice my opinions.
163. The school PA system is not to be used to replace the radio.
164. The school PA system is not to be used to broadcast the soundtrack to a porno movie, or any Three Stooges
video.
165. An order to put polish on my boots means the whole boot.
166. Shouting, “Let’s do the village! Let’s do the whole fucking village!” while out on a mission is a bad idea.
167. I should not show up at the front gate messily drunk, wearing part of a Brotherhood of Evil Mutants uniform.
168. Not even if Wolverine did it first.
169. I must not teach students how to make bombs out of the “chicken” nuggets served during lunch.
170. I must not flush charged playing cards down the men’s room toilets.
171. I am not authorized to sell the mineral rights to the Institute grounds.
172. I am not allowed to use a broadsword to disprove the notion that “the pen is mightier than the sword.”
173. “Calvin-Ball” is not authorized Danger Room training.
174. Especially not with a charged ball.
175. I do not need to keep a “range card” by my window.
176. “Eyeshadow, mylar, and a thin coat of Break-Free” is not an authorized uniform.
177. I should not drink three quarts of blue food coloring before a urine test.
178. Nor should I drink three quarts of red food coloring and scream during same.
179. I should not threaten suicide with Pop Rocks and Coke.
180. Putting red “Mike and Ike’s” into a prescription medicine bottle and then swallowing them all down in front of
Dr. McCoy is not funny.
181. I am not allowed to create new forms for the annual psychological profiling and insist that they be filled out.
182. In Danger Room training sessions against live partners, a wedgie is not considered a legal hit.
183. The proper way to report to any commander is “Gambit, reporting for duty, Sir!” Not “You can’t prove a thing!”
184. The following items do not exist: keys to the Drop Zone, a box of grid squares, blinker fluid, winter air for tires,
canopy lights, or Chem-Light batteries.
185. I should not assign new recruits to “boinking guard.”
186. I shouldn’t treat my teammates’ athletic supporters with extra-strength Icy-Hot.
187. Or cayenne pepper.
188. Teaching Genoshan children to taunt the Acolytes is not nice.
189. I am no longer allowed to perform lap-dances while in uniform.
190. If I take the uniform off in the course of the lap-dance, it still counts.
191. The revolution is not now.
192. When detained by Cyclops for insubordinate behavior, I do not have a right to a strip-search.
193. No part of my uniform is or should be edible.
194. Bodychecking Professor Xavier’s hoverchair is not a good idea.
195. Past lives have absolutely no effect on the chain of command.
196. Take that hat off.
197. There is no such thing as a were-virgin, and even if there were, I am most certainly not one.
198. Nor am I in any way, shape, or form a werewolf or vampire.
199. I do not get “that time of the month.”
200. No, the pants are not optional.
201. I am not allowed to operate a business out of the dorms.
202. Especially not a pornographic movie studio.
203. Even if they are “especially mutant-rights oriented” films.
204. If I do choose to star in a pornographic movie, I am requested not to use my real name, and especially not my
codename.
205. God is not in the TV, nor am I in any way the god of fuck.
206. I am not allowed to defect to the Friends Of Humanity during training missions.
207. During training missions, I am to refrain from blowing up the Blackbird, and any of my teammates, on purpose.
208. “A charged playing card and some privacy” is not the way to counsel a potential teen suicide.
209. I am not allowed to create new levels of security clearance.
210. Cerebro should not be used to play computer games.
211. Furby is not allowed into classified areas of the mansion, or on missions.
212. We do not “charge into battle, naked, like the Celts.”
213. Any device that, set to “medium,” can crawl across a table does not need to be brought into the school.
214. I am not to refer to Cerebro as the “boxy helmety-thingy.”
215. I am not a “lesbian trapped in a man’s body.”
216. On official documents, my race is not “Other.”
217. Nor is it “Secretariat, in the third.”
218. Pokémon Trainer is not an official Cerebro operating system.
219. There is no requisition form for “wall-to-wall counseling.”
220. My teammates neither have the time nor the inclination to listen to what I did with six boxes of Fruit Roll-Ups.
221. When operating a school vehicle, I may not attempt something I “saw in a cartoon.”
222. My name is not a killing word.
223. I am not the emperor of anything.
224. I must not taunt teammates in the throes of nicotine withdrawal with cigarettes.
225. I may not challenge Cyclops to “Meet me on the field of honor, at dawn.”
226. Do not dare Bishop to eat bugs. He will always do it.
227. I am not allowed to make s’mores while on guard duty.
228. Our team ATVs cannot be assembled into a giant battle robot.
229. The proper response to a briefing is not “That’s what you think.”
230. The Masons and Gray Aliens are not in my chain of command.
231. I am not allowed to take incriminating photos of my teammates.
232. I am not allowed to use Photoshop to create incriminating photos of my teammates.
233. I am not allowed to give students tattoos or piercings.
234. I am not allowed to sing “I’m Henry the VIII I Am,” by Herman's Hermits, until the sixty-eighth verse ever again.
235. I am not allowed to lead a coup during training missions.
236. I should not confess to crimes that took place before I was born, even if I can prove the validity of time-travel
theory.
237. Cyclops is not interested in why I “just happen” to have a kilt, an inflatable sheep, and a big box of broccoli
rubber bands in the trunk of my car.
238. I must not valiantly push Cyclops onto charged playing cards to save the team.
239. Despite the confusing similarity in the names, the “Safety Dance” and the “Safety Briefing” are never to be
combined.
240. “To conquer the earth with a squad of flying monkeys” is a bad long-term goal to give the psychological profilers.
241. As well as “to steal the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel,” even if that’s true.
242. I am never again to nail a stuffed bunny to a cross in front of the school sign as an “Easter Decoration.”
243. I am not allowed to write up false malfunction reports on team equipment.
244. I am not allowed to get shot.
245. The chicken and rice soup served in the school cafeteria is not a personal lubricant.
246. I am not allowed to play into the deluded fantasies of people who are “hearing conversations” from the NSA,
FBI, CIA, and KGB due to the microchips the aliens implanted in their brains.
247. An airsickness bag is to be used for airsickness only.
248. Flying teammates are not required to carry airsickness bags in their uniforms for my use when they fly with me.
249. I must not make up T-Shirts depicting rude caricatures of my teammates involving barnyard animals.
250. I must not ask Cannonball to sign my copy of Coal-Miner’s Daughter.
251. I am not allowed to convince new recruits stationed with me on missions in third-world countries that their razor
bumps are the result of microscopic parasites.
252. I am not allowed to kiss Wolverine on the lips.
253. Or any other body part.
254. Even if I don’t use tongue.
255. An invitation to “a friendly game of poker” on school premises should not be intended to include $1000 stakes or
the removal of any articles of clothing.
256. I am not authorized to do “barrel-rolls” in the Blackbird just for the hell of it.
257. At Friends Of Humanity rallies, my job is to prevent rioting, not to incite it.
258. I am no longer allowed to be in attendance at any delicate negotiation.
259. I am not allowed to instigate a “Chicken Fight” with Colossus when he is in metal form and standing on the icy
edge of a precipice, forcing Rogue and Storm to save him and my own stupid ass from death and destruction on the
rocks below.
260. Imitating Cyclops is an unsanctioned activity, and should never include goose-stepping.
261. I am not a gynecologist, and I should never attempt to convince any woman that I am.
262. I am never again to refer to Wolverine as “my fuzzy little love-monkey.”
263. I am never again to substitute a French maid’s costume for my uniform.
264. Charging a teammate’s undergarments while they are wearing them does not constitute a “joke” and is not funny.
At all.
265. Not even when it’s Cyclops.
266. I am not the avatar of Shiva, the Destroyer.
267. I do not have a fifteen-inch python in my underwear, nor should I offer to show it to anyone.
268. Asking anyone, male or female, if they would like to pet it is construed as sexual harassment.
269. I should never pretend to pick lice out of Dr. McCoy’s fur. It hurts him.
270. I should never pretend to pick lice out of Wolverine’s hair. He hurts me.
271. It is not nice to mock the stupid.
272. I am not authorized to program Cerebro or any other official computer system to instigate nuclear war on any
world superpowers.
273. I am to assume that no one is curious whether or not the carpet matches the drapes, and am not to ask if anyone
would like to know.
274. It is not nice to convince Nightcrawler that I am possessed by the Devil.
275. For the above reason, the “Mephistopheles’ beard” look is probably not a good one for me.
276. “Speaking in tongues” doesn’t make me multi-lingual.
277. Cayenne pepper is not to be included in the emergency supplies requisitions.
278. “Don’t ask, don’t tell” does not extend to official information pertinent to any given mission requested of me by
my teammates.
279. I am not “feisty as a gray mama coon munchin’ on a cayenne peppa, I gay-ron-tee.”
280. I am not a member of the Village People.
281. I am not to invent long, complicated, and ribald songs about my teammates anymore.
282. Even though “Drag Queen Wolverine” has become a school-wide classic.
283. “Because it is there” may be sufficient reason for climbing a mountain, but it is not sufficient reason for climbing
the outer façade of a high-rise building.
284. Just because my car can do 130 mph does not mean that I should ever drive it at that speed. Particularly not
through a school zone.
285. There is no rule against wearing chains, leather straps, or studded leather collars as casual day-to-day wear.
However, attaching a leash to a studded leather collar and imploring male teammates to “beat me like a bad dog” is
not good for morale.
286. Just because someone can open any locked door does not mean that they should, particularly if that locked door
leads to an occupied bathroom.
287. I should never play “she loves me, she loves me not” with Archangel’s fleshettes.
288. My teammates are aware that my eyes are sensitive to light. However, they do not appreciate it when they turn on
a light in a darkened room in which I am sitting and I start screaming and writhing on the floor in agony begging
them to “save me from the ugly, nasty white face.”
289. Practical jokes should never include live crawfish.
290. Or dead crawfish.
291. Or any other sort of fish.
292. It isn’t nice to sneak out to Wolverine’s car at night and turn the stereo volume knob up to full so that it blasts his
eardrums when he starts the engine.
293. Stephen King is not approved curriculum for third graders.
294. Ernest Goes to Jail is not in any way an educational video.
295. Stormy does not like it when I serenade her at four a.m. with “The Wind Beneath my Wings.”
296. I don’t like being snowed on in July.
297. We are all entitled to our own religious beliefs, but I am not allowed to tell students that they are all destined to rot
in the Underworld for all eternity if they do not dedicate their lives to the worship of Anubis the jackal-headed god
of the dead.
298. I am not the living embodiment of Horus, the falcon-headed son of mother Isis.
299. I do not speak ancient Egyptian.
300. I am not the reincarnation of Rameses the Great.
301. Nor am I the reincarnation of Alexander the Great.
302. Or Catherine the Great.
303. Or even Ivan the Pretty Good.
304. I am never again to name all the things that can sit better on a Ritz.
305. Just because the buzzer never goes off when I play “Operation” doesn’t mean I am qualified to perform actual
surgery.
306. I will never settle down. Simply because, whenever I play the Parker Bros. game “Life” with my teammates, I
always somehow end up with three cars full of little pink and blue pegs representing my children, and I sense this is a
bad omen.
307. I am never to ask Rogue why she cannot pronounce the vowel sound “I.”
308. I am never to mock anyone’s pronunciation of anything, because I am hardly Mr. Articulate myself.
309. I am not allowed to site “Jazz” as my religion on any formal document.
310. I am not “American by birth, Cajun by grace of God.”
311. I do not have the power to turn anyone into a drooling, red-eyed zombie, nor am I allowed to suggest that Tante
Mattie do it for me.
312. I am not allowed to use myself as empirical evidence that she is capable of turning people into drooling, red-eyed
zombies.
313. I am not authorized to fence stolen paintings on school premises.
314. Archangel’s wallet is not my own personal playground.
315. I am not allowed to trade Shi’ar technological secrets for sexual favors.
316. I am not allowed to countermand any order Cyclops gives me with the phrase “Bite me, Visor-Boy.”
317. It isn’t nice to flirt with my male teammates just to make them nervous.
318. Dr. McCoy is aware that I do not have any dental work; ergo, I cannot claim time off for mental fatigue from the
radio transmissions I receive in my fillings.
319. Rogue can leave me behind in Antarctica, but I cannot leave her behind at the mall.
320. I am no one’s slut puppy, nor is anyone my slut puppy.
321. I am not allowed to sleep during Danger Room sessions, even if I still perform at a higher efficiency level than my
teammates.
322. It is not nice to purposely drop apparently innocent references to inane, repetitive songs in order to take over the
brains of my teammates and drive them all to the brink of madness.
323. Sherri Lewis’s “Song that Never Ends” is strictly verboten.
324. I am not allowed to repeat myself over and over again to achieve the same end.
325. I am not allowed to repeat myself over and over again to achieve the same end.
326. I am not allowed to repeat myself over and over again to achieve the same end.
327. It is not necessary to demonstrate the Kama Sutra to any Sex Ed. class.
328. I do not live in a Mentos commercial.
329. This message will not self-destruct in fifteen seconds, nor should I charge it to ensure that it will.
330. I am not to shout the chorus of “Closer,” by Nine Inch Nails, at any point during the school day. (I wanna fuck
you like an animal/I wanna feel you from the inside/I wanna fuck you like an animal/My whole existence is
flawed/You get me closer to God.)
331. I am not allowed to “flash” anyone from under my trenchcoat, even if I am in fact fully dressed with a placard
around my neck on which I have written the word “BOO!”
332. Dreadlocks are not a good look for me, but a shaved head is even worse.
333. If I can’t say anything nice, I am not to say anything at all.
334. My picture is not in the dictionary under the word “Kablam.”
335. Underwear is designed to be worn properly, under my clothes, not on top of my head.
336. “Semprini” is an Italian surname, not a dirty word.
337. I do not have the ability to start fires with my mind.
338. Not being a quitter and never knowing when to quit are two different things.
339. I am not allowed to set shotgun traps in my bedroom.
340. It was very thoughtful of me to knit Professor X that toupee, but I really…shouldn’t…have.
341. It is a crime to lead to the delinquency of a minor. Moreover, I should not do it.
342. Times have changed. It is no longer deemed appropriate for me to wander through the halls asking people if they
have seen my pussy, even if I really am looking for my cat.
343. Likewise, it’s probably not appropriate for me to quote Curly Howard’s lemon-sucking adage, “If at first you don’t
succeed, keep on suckin’ ‘till you do suck seed.”
344. I am not allowed to put a “contract” out on George Steinbrenner.
345. I am not allowed to keep a harem on school premises.
346. Alligators do not make good pets.
347. I am not allowed to start a pornographic webpage featuring personal and contact information of my teammates.
348. “Ah shall think about it tomorrow, for tomorrow is anothah day” is not an acceptable answer to any question
posed me by my teammates.
349. I am not an ex-parrot.
350. I am not allowed to substitute a Confederate flag for the school’s American flag, nor can I fly it beneath the
American flag where the state flag should be.
351. When I do replace the American flag with the Confederate flag, it is not gentlemanly to blame Rogue or
Cannonball.
352. It is not nice to accuse my teammates of “cutting the cheese.”
353. “Breaking and entering” should never be listed among my hobbies on any official documents.
354. I am not allowed to stand in the bushes outside the dorm rooms of frightened young students at night so that all
they can see through the glass is my demonic, glowing red eyes.
355. The next time I sugar Cyclops’s gas, I can expect a serious smoking.
356. I am not allowed to deliberately confuse my teammates.
357. If I truly do enjoy strange food combinations that others find nauseating, such as ketchup on apple pie, I am
requested to eat in private.
358. Sneaking up behind Bishop at night and goosing him is extremely hazardous to my health.
359. I do not have a pet circus mouse named Mr. Jingles who whispers things in my ear at night.
360. A loincloth is not appropriate casual wear.
361. I am not allowed to ask Forge to invent sexual devices for me.
362. Gibberish is not a language.
363. I am not the all-knowing eternal and universal consciousness of the Rilos 14 star system.
364. I am not the Lord of the Dance.
365. I am not allowed to forward spam mails pertaining to male enhancement or links to porn sites to my teammates or
students with new, innocuous subject lines.
366. I did not learn everything I need to know about life in Kindergarten.
367. I do have a tendancy to talk with my hands. However, I'm not fooling anyone when I begin gesticulating wildly as
I speak when I just happen to have an unopened can of beer in my hand that I intend to open in the direction
of one or more teammates.
368. I am not allowed to refer to any new recruit as "a new outlet for my rage."
369. "Do you smell ass?" is not a good conversation-starter.
370. It is not polite to ask Forge why General George Armstrong Custer needed to be "whacked.
371. I am not to sneak up behind Forge and test whether or not he experiences any symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder by screaming "INCOMING!"
372. I am not to refer to Cyclops as "Admiral Farragut," nor am I to challenge him to attempt to "Take New Orleans tonight."
373. When battling the Marauders, it is not wise to call Scalphunter "Tonto." And frankly, it is even less intelligent to call Forge by that name.
374. "Here kitty kitty" is not a good way to entice Sabretooth to battle.
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